I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
