I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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