she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
