was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
