My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
you had me at cake vodka
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
