remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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