I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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