I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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