Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Randomize
