I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
