Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
