i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
