i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
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