She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
he was CRYING into my vagina
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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