well I can't set my house on fire every night
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
