I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
