dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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