Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
