Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
