This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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