I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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