I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
