Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
