mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
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