So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Randomize
