im having a threesome with these popsicles
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
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