Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
True college students do jello shots in the library
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
