the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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