i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
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How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
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I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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