When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
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