Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Randomize
