Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
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I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
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I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
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