I molested 6 butterflies tonight
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
