I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
