i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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