I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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