anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
