Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
