just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
