Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Randomize
