I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
