you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You need a sexual gate keeper
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize