i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
You need Xanax blowdarts
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
