im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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