How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
