My nipple is on Facebook.
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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