I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
