erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
I haven't been this sober since birth.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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