Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
