i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I want a musical about memes.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
