I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
