Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Randomize
