Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
