I don't usually arrange sex via text message
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
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I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
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So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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